December 10, 2005
On the way to a large family reunion of Fiance's family, in Florida for Disney World, Universal, etc.
"At this time I'd like to ask the flight attendants to please take their seats in preparation for takeoff."
The phrase is always the same, on every flight I take. It makes me wonder who came up with it, if it's a rule, and why that way? Why not, "Ladies and gentlemen who work here, please be seated?" Strange, how we use language, and how some things are never-changing (seemingly).
On the other hand, in other ways everything is changing, at least in my world -- in ways I never ever would have even thought to expect.
For example, my travel experience will never ever again be the same or be the solitude that I relished (even at the same time that I felt lonely and longed to share it with someone).
This morning's trip to the airport became not only my anxiety about arriving on time, finding my way around, etc. -- it also included Fiance's anxiety about these things, and the girls', too (plus their hyper excitement - which was both fun and overstimulating at the same time).
So, while there was the aspect of having someone to go through it with, it also meant three other people's emotions and behaviors to contend with. It meant I had to be more flexible with my need for efficiency -- with the girls needing direction and often slowing or hindering progress in one way or another. It meant I had to be responsible to other people, couldn't just take care of myself. (You definitely have to allow more time when children are involved.)
I was doing fine (despite only five hours of sleep and getting up at 4:30a) until we went into the second hour of delay for our flight to leave Seattle, and everyone started to complain (especially the oldest step-daughter). I was still doing okay until the kids wanted to rush the gate to be first in line to get on the plane -- then I started to really notice how my personality and travel preferences are different. I prefer to hang back, conscious that everyone in a crush around the gate entrance only slows and impedes the progress of everyone. I also just prefer not to be pushy, not to spend any more time on the plane than I have to, not to be in the throng of people moving in mass like a herd of cattle, and so on.
Then, while we were standing with the masses, we ended up near "Sarcastic Complaining Man," a bad-tempered guy who just kept complaining and being loudly sarcastic. It was at that point that I reached my over-stimulation point. I told Fiance that I had to get away from the man and that I was getting overstimulated.
Unfortunately, when we got on the plane, I saw that Sarcastic-Complaining Man was seated in the row in front of ours -- and he was still being sarcastic and negative. I pointed out to Fiance, "Oh no, it's 'Sarcastic Man!', but this sort of made things worse because then Fiance leaned in to me (after I'd taken my seat one row behind and directly diagonally across from the man) and said in a loud whisper that if the man made one more sarcastic remark, Fiance would kick the man's ass, or something like that.
[Continued after changing planes in Chicago.]
Phew, it's exhausting to navigate everyone else's emotional reactions, especially when I have so many of my own. When we arrived in Chicago, I told Fiance that we had less than an hour before our connecting flight was scheduled to leave, so we were going to need to head for the gate quickly. He seemed to hear and understand, but later after we'd dealt with check-in at the connecting gate and I'd asked how long until boarding, he expressed shock that they'd be boarding so fast, in only 10 minutes. He commented that he thought we had an hour. No! We didn't land and get off the plane until about 5:35p, then we had a long walk (at a much slower pace than I would have gone by myself) to the next gate, then several minutes while they found seats for us on the plane . . . and the flight was scheduled to leave at 6:12. (Which, of course, it isn't, now that we're on it.).
On the way to the gate, oldest step-daughter was complaining of being hungry, asking several times for us to stop for food. Then she got into a whining and controlling conversation with Fiance because what he said to his sister on the phone as we walked, about where and how we would all share rooms (he asked for the girls to sleep on air mattresses on the floor in our room, which wasn't what I had thought I was agreeing to but perhaps, it seems, was his plan all along in bringing the mattresses and sleeping bags) wasn't what she'd asked him for last night (she wanted her cousins in our suite and in our room with us - God Please No!). I wanted to tell her calmly but firmly that a) she'll be with her cousins ALL DAY everyday, and b) she can't always have things the way she wants them.
We made a quick sprint to McDonald's in the airport terminal. Fiance asked the girls to just order water with their food, to save money, but then they ordered "meals" and asked for water, so naturally the restaurant charged the full "meal" price and gave the girls bottled water. Fiance had wanted them to just get a free cup for free water, but didn't think to cue the kids in on that. So then he said to me, "I knew they would rip us off here!" Well, you know, this is how they do things! If you wanted it another way, you should have told the girls to order just sandwiches or burgers and specified for them to ask for a cup for water! If you ask for the "meal" they're going to charge you for the meal. They aren't mind readers, nor do they get paid enough to care. (This was my silent response in my head.)
What's most stressful to me... well, a few things. Everyone being crabby and whiny. And none of them seeming to understand the system, how things work, the subtleties, etc. So I constantly feel like I'm trying to explain, but often there isn't time, or it's not convenient, or someone doesn't want to listen, or I'm at the end of my patience.
And, having the kids try to control things - drives me crazy. Youngest step-daughter wanted to go "line up" at the gate. Well, for one, there was no line. And I didn't want to go over there, for well-thought-out reasons, and I didn't want to have to go line up just because she (a child) decided we should. I'm not interested in being led around by the nose by the kids.
Nor to have to explain to them every interchange I have with their father, my fiance. Nor to have oldest step-daughter telling us what to do when, after four hours on the first leg of the flight, I finally agreed to hold Fiance's hand across the aisle because we were in the descent and nobody, even flight attendants, was going to be walking in the aisles (he wanted to hold my hand across the aisle most of the flight and I kept declining because then we'd be blocking the aisle, not to mention how ridiculous it would have looked - and been!).
At some point I got tired of being controlled, pushed, and pulled (both literally as well as physically and psychologically) every which way. I try hard not to get wound tight, but holy crap this is all asking a lot of me!
Oh, and in the McDonalds incident, I had ordered 6 nuggets and a small Coke. As we walked away, after wrangling with the guy over the waters for the kids, I realized I hadn't been given the Coke. So I sent Fiance and the girls on to the gate and went back to the counter. The guy started telling me he gave us waters instead, how there is no meal with 6 nuggets and a Coke, blah blah blah. I tried to explain that I didn't order a "meal," just asked for a small drink. The manager or someone just had him give it to me finally, but th ekid gave me a nasty look as I walked away. It was the second time today that I'd looked like a jerk even though I wasn't one - repercussions of being part of "we" with Fiance and the girls, rather than just "me" who usually handles things with more tact and aplomb. The kids' changes in orders, Fiance's frustration - I was guilty by association with all of it, so couldn't just create my own interaction.
The other time I was guilty by association was on the plane from Seattle while we were waiting to take off. The two seats next to me were empty, so we'd told youngest step-daughter that she could move over to join me after we took off. I thought for a moment that we should just have her move right away so no one else could try to claim the seats, but I didn't want her wriggling or poking me any sooner than necessary. Well, sure enough, suddenly there was a man standing in front of me, asking, "Can I sit there?" I responded that actually, "one of our children will be moving over here after we take off." He pointed at the window seat and said, "Can I sit there?" "Well, that's where she's going to sit after we take off," I replied. He got mad and commented to people around us that we wouldn't let him have the seat. I tried to explain to him that it was the same situation as he was in, three of them in the row together and one wanted to move, same as him. He mumbled to the flight attendant that "these people are taking" those two rows all for themselves, or some such thing. Would he have reacted differently if I hadn't said "our children," establishing us as a family? If he'd thought we were all strangers in the same boat with him? I think so. The two men in the seats in front of me (who only moments before had seemed to be mildly flirting with me) started commenting that children only pass out anyway, they shouldn't get the priority for seats. They said they wished they could sedate children on flights, that they wished they could have blow darts in order to do so. Meanwhile, Sarcastic-Complaining Man was containing his negative sarcasm. I hastily pulled out my earplugs and shoved them in my ears to try to mute all the hateful people, or else I was going to tell them all, especially Sarcastic Man, to Shut the Hell Up! I tried to read after that but ended up needing to put my head down for a few minutes and take some deep breaths.
I miss traveling in solitude and now realize just how much I always really surrounded myself in anonymity and solitude when I traveled. I'm not sure of I did it to avoid the over-stimulation that comes with travel and all the people, or if I just really enjoyed and relished it, or what.
It's also really hard having to large (physically and in terms of needs) people in the middle of your relationship Everything is catered around them, dictated by them. It's especially hard when I can't have much of a "voice" in the middle of things, and when I'm always perpetually the "outsider." It's very very disempowering, which is very tough. Father, please teach me what I'm supposed to learn!
Welcome to my (former) life and experience as a childless stepmother.
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