So tired of sadness

I'm so incredibly weary of feeling sad.

It's been almost 6 long years. My brain is still stuck in the past. I deal with constant flashbacks and intrusive memories. CPTSD is hell on earth.  So much time has passed, but everything from the relationship still feels like it happened recently.  It's still all so present with me.

I don't know what to do when I myself feel like I'm my own trigger. Just being me, being myself at home, triggers all sorts of memories and feelings. I can't cook without feeling triggered. It's like my love for him and his kids entered my bloodstream and still flows there, even though they all rejected me and abandoned me.  It's like my body has a serious "muscle memory" problem, so just in moving my body I feel the pain of it all.

I'm so weary of it.  I thought I could leave the abuse and take all of my positive lifeforce energy with me, but it hasn't worked that way.  I feel so trapped.

I cried almost literally every day for the first three years.  I don't cry very often anymore.  But I've become a hermit.  I've hidden myself away and stopped doing everything I used to enjoy doing.  I go to work, and that's it.

I gave my all to him and his daughters.  I believed him when he said he loved me, even when his behaviors toward me said differently.  I gave everything I had to give.  I planned my life around us.  I planned my future around us. 

I'm still stuck in cognitive dissonance. My brain fluctuates back and forth between loving memories of him where he was sweet, charming, loving, and memories of the extensive emotional abuse and constant manipulation. 

I know he left me no choice but to leave. But he stole so very much from me. I want everything back that he stole from me.  He stole so much during our years together, and he stole my future as well. He's stolen my well-being the past six years, due to PTSD.  He thwarted my future.  I haven't been able to figure out how to restructure or reimagine another future.

He was and is such a fucking dumbass!!  He has no idea what he tossed aside.  He has no idea the level of my loyalty and commitment.  While he accused me of have feelings for someone else. Dumbass!