He never hit me. But there was no end to the emotional and mental sucker punches. He landed them, soft or hard, at every turn.
He kept me constantly on edge.
Once, early in the relationship, he accused that he had to walk on eggshells around me. That was actually one of the sucker punches, I now realize, a projection, a reverse mirroring of what the dynamics actually were in the relationship, a way to make me doubt myself and to manipulate me into trying still harder to do or be "better."
One of the "soft" sucker punches that's been running through my memory lately was a lovely weekend afternoon several years into the relationship. We were at his home for the weekend (as we most often were unless there was a commitment or reason that kept us closer to the city - all a subject for a separate post).
He was out in the yard, changing the oil in my car. Nice, right? Sweet and loving, right?
I was in the kitchen, working happily on domestic pursuits for us both to enjoy (dinner prep or something, I can't remember the exact details now).
With love and happiness flowing from my heart, and those qualities pumping through my veins, I was feeling a lightness to my energy and all the best of my femininity and creative passion flowing from my soul.
From the base of this energy, I decided to make us a special summer beverage of a warm, minted iced tea that I had learned about years ago from a co-worker. I had become enamored with the idea of it after she served the tea when I visited her home and she explained that she had learned the tradition from her husband who was of Middle Eastern descent. (It was so many years ago that I unfortunately no longer remember which country he was from.)
I traipsed out to our large garden to cut lots of fresh mint. I boiled water and filled tall glasses with ice, the right kind of tea bags, a teaspoon of sugar, water, and mint, slushing the mixture with a long-handled spoon to get the tea to steep nicely.
I took a glass out to him, happily looking forward to offering him the thoughtful surprise. Happily looking forward to the loving moment of connection the gesture would create.
I approached the front passenger window of my car and looked in . . . and my heart dropped to my stomach.
He was sitting in the driver's seat looking through and scrutinizing the small cluster of papers and little notebooks I kept on the console under the emergency brake for making grocery or other lists and jotting notes while in my car.
He was snooping on me.
I had never done anything in the relationship to warrant being snooped on or to deserve being distrusted or checked up on.
His face blanched when he looked up to see me watching him do this. Seeing the color drain from his face and shame come over him told me he knew what he was doing was wrong. But apparently the impulse to snoop was greater than his sense of integrity - both his own integrity and mine.
My happy gesture was suddenly sucker-punch-ruined. My happy energy and sense of emotional safety abruptly went from 8 to about a 4. I went from feeling open and happily vulnerable, to realizing (once again) that my world was not safe. I was not safe. He was not safe.
I delivered the glass of tea and turned quietly to retreat back to the kitchen, saying nothing to him about the obvious infraction he had perpetrated on us and on our relationship.
It turned out to be one of the few times in our history together that he actually offered me some semblance of an apology. Why that time and not any of the others when the pain and damage and trauma was so egregiously more severe, I may never understand.
It took him more than a few long minutes, but eventually he made his way to the house and came into the kitchen and offered me a small apology.
I wish I could remember now what exactly he said. I only remember feeling that what he offered was about half as much as what he should have... but also that he didn't (for once) somehow twist blame toward me and also (for once) didn't try to pretend nothing had happened.
I also remember feeling internal confusion and a sense of warning bells chiming. I remember sensing vaguely somewhere in my brain that I was being manipulated - what I would now call "gaslighted" - through his seemingly good, "relationship repairing" action of apologizing and actually owning up to this small thing he'd done.
This small thing, the snooping, was so minimal compared to the numerous other abuses of manipulation and control that he constantly perpetrated on me and our relationship.
It was so "tip of the iceberg" that on the inside my psyche knew that the very act of owning up to and apologizing for the breach was itself a manipulation. "See what a good honest man of integrity I am? Yes, I messed up a little but I admitted to it right away and apologized. I'm a person of good character who will readily fall on my sword to create a needed relationship repair so that our love can be strong."
Yes but . . . there's the whole iceberg down below, serving as the ever-growing foundation of our very painful relationship.
And in choosing to follow his impulse to snoop (and in my inadvertent discovery of it; who knows how many other small or large things I never did and still don't know about) he added to that foundation: he violated my trust in him; he demonstrated his (completely unwarranted) lack of trust in me; he exhibited his controlling and stalking tendencies; he violated my privacy; he violated his own and my integrity, he violated my autonomy ... and more.
It would be one thing if he were snooping for gift ideas. That might qualify as an excusable, lovingly motivated "invasion" of my privacy and autonomy.
Or if he was snooping to try to understand me better, say if I was going through a particularly hard time or something. Maybe I could understand it then?
It would be another thing still if he was snooping because I was acting oddly, throwing up red suspicious flags indicating that I was hiding something that might mean he was unsafe from me. I don't support snooping but I do support self-advocacy so I can understand breaching personal integrity (by snooping) if in service of the greater salvation of your ultimate integrity if a partner is acting hinky over a significant period of time.
But he wasn't snooping for any of those reasons. I don't even really understand to this day why he was snooping. Was it his insecurity? Was he looking for "proof" of supposed infractions or betrayals that he was imagining in his head? Was he looking for things to use against me, to further attack my personhood, to devalue me, to attack and further erode my self-esteem, for fodder for more crazy accusations?
My gut and breadth of experience with him tells me it was mostly the last reason.
Though I didn't fully understand it at the time, I now know with clarity that we were engaged in an epic battle of psychological warfare. We were engaged in a massive power struggle, me fighting for the right to be a separate person from him, and he fighting to keep me manipulable and controllable to his will. One major way of keeping me gullible was to keep me in a perpetual state of self-doubt and weakened self-esteem.
So I believe he was snooping in my car in an effort to look for things to use against me to further destabilize and weaken me, looking for things to throw in my face, to criticize me about, to accuse me of, or to use to discredit me further with his family and few friends (otherwise known as a "smear campaign").
He was snooping because ultimately in his heart and mind I was the enemy he needed to protect and defend himself against, not his partner to protect and love.
The bottom line is that, regardless of the specific (warped) reason why he was snooping, he was not looking for information to use toward promoting my well-being or the well-being of the relationship. Nothing more than that even really needs to be examined or said.
What he sadly could not or would not see was that I was standing right in front of him offering him love, support, loyalty, faithfulness, intimacy, trust, honesty . . . and a glass of lovely special hot iced-tea.
When we were Family
December 23, 2005, Friday
Feeling very blessed tonight. Also very seen, and very embraced. Actually more than 3D, even - something radiating and alive and humming with vibrancy.
Last night, my Dad and my Sister and her family came up to Fiance's house for a dinner of Costco pizzas and four different kinds of shish-kebabs that I had made yesterday morning and the night before. Fiance's parents were there from Montana, as were the step-daughters' surrogate grandparents from Whidbey Island.
After dinner we all piled into three cars and went to Lights of Christmas at Warm beach for several hours of family time together. It rained hard, but only for a while. It was a beautiful evening of enjoying beautiful Christmas lights.
Today, I drove around for far too long, down to Bellevue Square Mall to buy a set of glasses (30 "window-pane" glasses for $19.99 but then $10 off with a mail coupon from Fiance), up to Cost Plus in Woodinville to buy a basket to put the gifts for the surrogate grandparents into, then almost two hours in traffic to get to Fiance's house, arriving late after the surrogate grandparents were already there.
But we had a nice meal, and a nice evening of fellowship and gifting and dessert and chatting.
When the surrogate grandparents left, Grandma embraced me warmly, and I noticed how spontaneous was my feeling of love and emotion for her, and that I automatically thought of her as "Grandma" (to the step-daughters). Her embrace felt is sincere and is loving and accepting.
Later, when I went to leave, I received hugs from all, Youngest Step-Daughter enthusiastically, Oldest Step-Daughter seemingly reluctantly at first but then fully, so that I can't figure it out, Fiance's Mom fully and deeply and warmly and all the while gushing about the dinner (kebabs) I made last night and thanking me for it - it was very warm and loving and embracing; then there was Fiance's Dad - by then I felt like I was saying goodbye for awhile instead of just until tomorrow! He embraced me close and seemed to press his face (on the side) to the side of my head as though to give me a kiss on the head (as Fiance does and which I love so much).
Somewhere in the goodbyes, Fiance's Mom reached out and quickly rubbed the sweater on my arm near the elbow and said, "Oh that's soft!" Wow, she was reaching out in a special and intimate and vulnerable way now so far between her and I.
It makes me sad now to reflect on all that we've lost, now that it's all "former." And it is a showy reminder of how much positive energy I put into everything I did with and for Fiance and the step-daughters.
Feeling very blessed tonight. Also very seen, and very embraced. Actually more than 3D, even - something radiating and alive and humming with vibrancy.
Last night, my Dad and my Sister and her family came up to Fiance's house for a dinner of Costco pizzas and four different kinds of shish-kebabs that I had made yesterday morning and the night before. Fiance's parents were there from Montana, as were the step-daughters' surrogate grandparents from Whidbey Island.
After dinner we all piled into three cars and went to Lights of Christmas at Warm beach for several hours of family time together. It rained hard, but only for a while. It was a beautiful evening of enjoying beautiful Christmas lights.
Today, I drove around for far too long, down to Bellevue Square Mall to buy a set of glasses (30 "window-pane" glasses for $19.99 but then $10 off with a mail coupon from Fiance), up to Cost Plus in Woodinville to buy a basket to put the gifts for the surrogate grandparents into, then almost two hours in traffic to get to Fiance's house, arriving late after the surrogate grandparents were already there.
But we had a nice meal, and a nice evening of fellowship and gifting and dessert and chatting.
When the surrogate grandparents left, Grandma embraced me warmly, and I noticed how spontaneous was my feeling of love and emotion for her, and that I automatically thought of her as "Grandma" (to the step-daughters). Her embrace felt is sincere and is loving and accepting.
Later, when I went to leave, I received hugs from all, Youngest Step-Daughter enthusiastically, Oldest Step-Daughter seemingly reluctantly at first but then fully, so that I can't figure it out, Fiance's Mom fully and deeply and warmly and all the while gushing about the dinner (kebabs) I made last night and thanking me for it - it was very warm and loving and embracing; then there was Fiance's Dad - by then I felt like I was saying goodbye for awhile instead of just until tomorrow! He embraced me close and seemed to press his face (on the side) to the side of my head as though to give me a kiss on the head (as Fiance does and which I love so much).
Somewhere in the goodbyes, Fiance's Mom reached out and quickly rubbed the sweater on my arm near the elbow and said, "Oh that's soft!" Wow, she was reaching out in a special and intimate and vulnerable way now so far between her and I.
It makes me sad now to reflect on all that we've lost, now that it's all "former." And it is a showy reminder of how much positive energy I put into everything I did with and for Fiance and the step-daughters.
The Hulk
December 20, 2005
To Oldest Step-Daughter:
I'm thinking a lot about you tonight and about where you are in life right now - your growth and maturity process - and I keep thinking of that ride (that I opted not to go on!) at Universal Studios, "The Hulk."
I think about The Hulk and the transformation process that he goes through (and I can't help but notice how it always seems like it's a painful process for him!). And I can't help but think of you as a young teenager - a "new teen," age 14, and how you are like The Hulk character where his clothes are beginning to rip and tear, the buttons to pop. And everyone around you is maybe uncertain, maybe even acting freaked out and scared, or at least uncertain.
And this - this is how it is - how it is to be a teenager.
This last week (on vacation with Fiance and the kids in Florida) was a really good crash course in adolescent behavior and in living with it.
Thoughts on marriage:
It seems like so many people in our society "commit" "marriage" everyday, and really, what does it really seem to mean to any of them? They don't stick with it, don't follow through. I am extremely hesitant about marriage right now. But I guess I would like to approach marriage more like my fourth time on the Aerosmith rollercoaster at Disney/MGM, rather than like how I approached it my first time. My first ride, I cried out "Oh My GOD!!!" and then had to completely focus on my breathing and was close to panic-stricken-neurotic-overstimulated tears at the end of the ride. By the fourth time, however, I knew what to expect, knew I could handle it, was prepared, had the resources to do it successfully. And I loved nearly every minute of it!
That's how I would like to be and feel for marriage.
To Oldest Step-Daughter:
I'm thinking a lot about you tonight and about where you are in life right now - your growth and maturity process - and I keep thinking of that ride (that I opted not to go on!) at Universal Studios, "The Hulk."
I think about The Hulk and the transformation process that he goes through (and I can't help but notice how it always seems like it's a painful process for him!). And I can't help but think of you as a young teenager - a "new teen," age 14, and how you are like The Hulk character where his clothes are beginning to rip and tear, the buttons to pop. And everyone around you is maybe uncertain, maybe even acting freaked out and scared, or at least uncertain.
And this - this is how it is - how it is to be a teenager.
This last week (on vacation with Fiance and the kids in Florida) was a really good crash course in adolescent behavior and in living with it.
Thoughts on marriage:
It seems like so many people in our society "commit" "marriage" everyday, and really, what does it really seem to mean to any of them? They don't stick with it, don't follow through. I am extremely hesitant about marriage right now. But I guess I would like to approach marriage more like my fourth time on the Aerosmith rollercoaster at Disney/MGM, rather than like how I approached it my first time. My first ride, I cried out "Oh My GOD!!!" and then had to completely focus on my breathing and was close to panic-stricken-neurotic-overstimulated tears at the end of the ride. By the fourth time, however, I knew what to expect, knew I could handle it, was prepared, had the resources to do it successfully. And I loved nearly every minute of it!
That's how I would like to be and feel for marriage.
Persona Non-Grata Status
December 17, 2005
I realized just now that the only questions or comments Oldest Step-Daughter directs at me, the only interaction she initiates with me, is of the very practical kind, and only then the bare essentials: "Where'd Dad go?" "What time is it?" There are even questions that she puts to her Dad that *I'm* going to have to be the one to answer, such as things that require time information - I'm the only one of us who wears a watch.
This gets wearisome.
I realized just now that the only questions or comments Oldest Step-Daughter directs at me, the only interaction she initiates with me, is of the very practical kind, and only then the bare essentials: "Where'd Dad go?" "What time is it?" There are even questions that she puts to her Dad that *I'm* going to have to be the one to answer, such as things that require time information - I'm the only one of us who wears a watch.
This gets wearisome.
Baptized into traveling with children
December 10, 2005
On the way to a large family reunion of Fiance's family, in Florida for Disney World, Universal, etc.
"At this time I'd like to ask the flight attendants to please take their seats in preparation for takeoff."
The phrase is always the same, on every flight I take. It makes me wonder who came up with it, if it's a rule, and why that way? Why not, "Ladies and gentlemen who work here, please be seated?" Strange, how we use language, and how some things are never-changing (seemingly).
On the other hand, in other ways everything is changing, at least in my world -- in ways I never ever would have even thought to expect.
For example, my travel experience will never ever again be the same or be the solitude that I relished (even at the same time that I felt lonely and longed to share it with someone).
This morning's trip to the airport became not only my anxiety about arriving on time, finding my way around, etc. -- it also included Fiance's anxiety about these things, and the girls', too (plus their hyper excitement - which was both fun and overstimulating at the same time).
So, while there was the aspect of having someone to go through it with, it also meant three other people's emotions and behaviors to contend with. It meant I had to be more flexible with my need for efficiency -- with the girls needing direction and often slowing or hindering progress in one way or another. It meant I had to be responsible to other people, couldn't just take care of myself. (You definitely have to allow more time when children are involved.)
I was doing fine (despite only five hours of sleep and getting up at 4:30a) until we went into the second hour of delay for our flight to leave Seattle, and everyone started to complain (especially the oldest step-daughter). I was still doing okay until the kids wanted to rush the gate to be first in line to get on the plane -- then I started to really notice how my personality and travel preferences are different. I prefer to hang back, conscious that everyone in a crush around the gate entrance only slows and impedes the progress of everyone. I also just prefer not to be pushy, not to spend any more time on the plane than I have to, not to be in the throng of people moving in mass like a herd of cattle, and so on.
Then, while we were standing with the masses, we ended up near "Sarcastic Complaining Man," a bad-tempered guy who just kept complaining and being loudly sarcastic. It was at that point that I reached my over-stimulation point. I told Fiance that I had to get away from the man and that I was getting overstimulated.
Unfortunately, when we got on the plane, I saw that Sarcastic-Complaining Man was seated in the row in front of ours -- and he was still being sarcastic and negative. I pointed out to Fiance, "Oh no, it's 'Sarcastic Man!', but this sort of made things worse because then Fiance leaned in to me (after I'd taken my seat one row behind and directly diagonally across from the man) and said in a loud whisper that if the man made one more sarcastic remark, Fiance would kick the man's ass, or something like that.
[Continued after changing planes in Chicago.]
Phew, it's exhausting to navigate everyone else's emotional reactions, especially when I have so many of my own. When we arrived in Chicago, I told Fiance that we had less than an hour before our connecting flight was scheduled to leave, so we were going to need to head for the gate quickly. He seemed to hear and understand, but later after we'd dealt with check-in at the connecting gate and I'd asked how long until boarding, he expressed shock that they'd be boarding so fast, in only 10 minutes. He commented that he thought we had an hour. No! We didn't land and get off the plane until about 5:35p, then we had a long walk (at a much slower pace than I would have gone by myself) to the next gate, then several minutes while they found seats for us on the plane . . . and the flight was scheduled to leave at 6:12. (Which, of course, it isn't, now that we're on it.).
On the way to the gate, oldest step-daughter was complaining of being hungry, asking several times for us to stop for food. Then she got into a whining and controlling conversation with Fiance because what he said to his sister on the phone as we walked, about where and how we would all share rooms (he asked for the girls to sleep on air mattresses on the floor in our room, which wasn't what I had thought I was agreeing to but perhaps, it seems, was his plan all along in bringing the mattresses and sleeping bags) wasn't what she'd asked him for last night (she wanted her cousins in our suite and in our room with us - God Please No!). I wanted to tell her calmly but firmly that a) she'll be with her cousins ALL DAY everyday, and b) she can't always have things the way she wants them.
We made a quick sprint to McDonald's in the airport terminal. Fiance asked the girls to just order water with their food, to save money, but then they ordered "meals" and asked for water, so naturally the restaurant charged the full "meal" price and gave the girls bottled water. Fiance had wanted them to just get a free cup for free water, but didn't think to cue the kids in on that. So then he said to me, "I knew they would rip us off here!" Well, you know, this is how they do things! If you wanted it another way, you should have told the girls to order just sandwiches or burgers and specified for them to ask for a cup for water! If you ask for the "meal" they're going to charge you for the meal. They aren't mind readers, nor do they get paid enough to care. (This was my silent response in my head.)
What's most stressful to me... well, a few things. Everyone being crabby and whiny. And none of them seeming to understand the system, how things work, the subtleties, etc. So I constantly feel like I'm trying to explain, but often there isn't time, or it's not convenient, or someone doesn't want to listen, or I'm at the end of my patience.
And, having the kids try to control things - drives me crazy. Youngest step-daughter wanted to go "line up" at the gate. Well, for one, there was no line. And I didn't want to go over there, for well-thought-out reasons, and I didn't want to have to go line up just because she (a child) decided we should. I'm not interested in being led around by the nose by the kids.
Nor to have to explain to them every interchange I have with their father, my fiance. Nor to have oldest step-daughter telling us what to do when, after four hours on the first leg of the flight, I finally agreed to hold Fiance's hand across the aisle because we were in the descent and nobody, even flight attendants, was going to be walking in the aisles (he wanted to hold my hand across the aisle most of the flight and I kept declining because then we'd be blocking the aisle, not to mention how ridiculous it would have looked - and been!).
At some point I got tired of being controlled, pushed, and pulled (both literally as well as physically and psychologically) every which way. I try hard not to get wound tight, but holy crap this is all asking a lot of me!
Oh, and in the McDonalds incident, I had ordered 6 nuggets and a small Coke. As we walked away, after wrangling with the guy over the waters for the kids, I realized I hadn't been given the Coke. So I sent Fiance and the girls on to the gate and went back to the counter. The guy started telling me he gave us waters instead, how there is no meal with 6 nuggets and a Coke, blah blah blah. I tried to explain that I didn't order a "meal," just asked for a small drink. The manager or someone just had him give it to me finally, but th ekid gave me a nasty look as I walked away. It was the second time today that I'd looked like a jerk even though I wasn't one - repercussions of being part of "we" with Fiance and the girls, rather than just "me" who usually handles things with more tact and aplomb. The kids' changes in orders, Fiance's frustration - I was guilty by association with all of it, so couldn't just create my own interaction.
The other time I was guilty by association was on the plane from Seattle while we were waiting to take off. The two seats next to me were empty, so we'd told youngest step-daughter that she could move over to join me after we took off. I thought for a moment that we should just have her move right away so no one else could try to claim the seats, but I didn't want her wriggling or poking me any sooner than necessary. Well, sure enough, suddenly there was a man standing in front of me, asking, "Can I sit there?" I responded that actually, "one of our children will be moving over here after we take off." He pointed at the window seat and said, "Can I sit there?" "Well, that's where she's going to sit after we take off," I replied. He got mad and commented to people around us that we wouldn't let him have the seat. I tried to explain to him that it was the same situation as he was in, three of them in the row together and one wanted to move, same as him. He mumbled to the flight attendant that "these people are taking" those two rows all for themselves, or some such thing. Would he have reacted differently if I hadn't said "our children," establishing us as a family? If he'd thought we were all strangers in the same boat with him? I think so. The two men in the seats in front of me (who only moments before had seemed to be mildly flirting with me) started commenting that children only pass out anyway, they shouldn't get the priority for seats. They said they wished they could sedate children on flights, that they wished they could have blow darts in order to do so. Meanwhile, Sarcastic-Complaining Man was containing his negative sarcasm. I hastily pulled out my earplugs and shoved them in my ears to try to mute all the hateful people, or else I was going to tell them all, especially Sarcastic Man, to Shut the Hell Up! I tried to read after that but ended up needing to put my head down for a few minutes and take some deep breaths.
I miss traveling in solitude and now realize just how much I always really surrounded myself in anonymity and solitude when I traveled. I'm not sure of I did it to avoid the over-stimulation that comes with travel and all the people, or if I just really enjoyed and relished it, or what.
It's also really hard having to large (physically and in terms of needs) people in the middle of your relationship Everything is catered around them, dictated by them. It's especially hard when I can't have much of a "voice" in the middle of things, and when I'm always perpetually the "outsider." It's very very disempowering, which is very tough. Father, please teach me what I'm supposed to learn!
Welcome to my (former) life and experience as a childless stepmother.
On the way to a large family reunion of Fiance's family, in Florida for Disney World, Universal, etc.
"At this time I'd like to ask the flight attendants to please take their seats in preparation for takeoff."
The phrase is always the same, on every flight I take. It makes me wonder who came up with it, if it's a rule, and why that way? Why not, "Ladies and gentlemen who work here, please be seated?" Strange, how we use language, and how some things are never-changing (seemingly).
On the other hand, in other ways everything is changing, at least in my world -- in ways I never ever would have even thought to expect.
For example, my travel experience will never ever again be the same or be the solitude that I relished (even at the same time that I felt lonely and longed to share it with someone).
This morning's trip to the airport became not only my anxiety about arriving on time, finding my way around, etc. -- it also included Fiance's anxiety about these things, and the girls', too (plus their hyper excitement - which was both fun and overstimulating at the same time).
So, while there was the aspect of having someone to go through it with, it also meant three other people's emotions and behaviors to contend with. It meant I had to be more flexible with my need for efficiency -- with the girls needing direction and often slowing or hindering progress in one way or another. It meant I had to be responsible to other people, couldn't just take care of myself. (You definitely have to allow more time when children are involved.)
I was doing fine (despite only five hours of sleep and getting up at 4:30a) until we went into the second hour of delay for our flight to leave Seattle, and everyone started to complain (especially the oldest step-daughter). I was still doing okay until the kids wanted to rush the gate to be first in line to get on the plane -- then I started to really notice how my personality and travel preferences are different. I prefer to hang back, conscious that everyone in a crush around the gate entrance only slows and impedes the progress of everyone. I also just prefer not to be pushy, not to spend any more time on the plane than I have to, not to be in the throng of people moving in mass like a herd of cattle, and so on.
Then, while we were standing with the masses, we ended up near "Sarcastic Complaining Man," a bad-tempered guy who just kept complaining and being loudly sarcastic. It was at that point that I reached my over-stimulation point. I told Fiance that I had to get away from the man and that I was getting overstimulated.
Unfortunately, when we got on the plane, I saw that Sarcastic-Complaining Man was seated in the row in front of ours -- and he was still being sarcastic and negative. I pointed out to Fiance, "Oh no, it's 'Sarcastic Man!', but this sort of made things worse because then Fiance leaned in to me (after I'd taken my seat one row behind and directly diagonally across from the man) and said in a loud whisper that if the man made one more sarcastic remark, Fiance would kick the man's ass, or something like that.
[Continued after changing planes in Chicago.]
Phew, it's exhausting to navigate everyone else's emotional reactions, especially when I have so many of my own. When we arrived in Chicago, I told Fiance that we had less than an hour before our connecting flight was scheduled to leave, so we were going to need to head for the gate quickly. He seemed to hear and understand, but later after we'd dealt with check-in at the connecting gate and I'd asked how long until boarding, he expressed shock that they'd be boarding so fast, in only 10 minutes. He commented that he thought we had an hour. No! We didn't land and get off the plane until about 5:35p, then we had a long walk (at a much slower pace than I would have gone by myself) to the next gate, then several minutes while they found seats for us on the plane . . . and the flight was scheduled to leave at 6:12. (Which, of course, it isn't, now that we're on it.).
On the way to the gate, oldest step-daughter was complaining of being hungry, asking several times for us to stop for food. Then she got into a whining and controlling conversation with Fiance because what he said to his sister on the phone as we walked, about where and how we would all share rooms (he asked for the girls to sleep on air mattresses on the floor in our room, which wasn't what I had thought I was agreeing to but perhaps, it seems, was his plan all along in bringing the mattresses and sleeping bags) wasn't what she'd asked him for last night (she wanted her cousins in our suite and in our room with us - God Please No!). I wanted to tell her calmly but firmly that a) she'll be with her cousins ALL DAY everyday, and b) she can't always have things the way she wants them.
We made a quick sprint to McDonald's in the airport terminal. Fiance asked the girls to just order water with their food, to save money, but then they ordered "meals" and asked for water, so naturally the restaurant charged the full "meal" price and gave the girls bottled water. Fiance had wanted them to just get a free cup for free water, but didn't think to cue the kids in on that. So then he said to me, "I knew they would rip us off here!" Well, you know, this is how they do things! If you wanted it another way, you should have told the girls to order just sandwiches or burgers and specified for them to ask for a cup for water! If you ask for the "meal" they're going to charge you for the meal. They aren't mind readers, nor do they get paid enough to care. (This was my silent response in my head.)
What's most stressful to me... well, a few things. Everyone being crabby and whiny. And none of them seeming to understand the system, how things work, the subtleties, etc. So I constantly feel like I'm trying to explain, but often there isn't time, or it's not convenient, or someone doesn't want to listen, or I'm at the end of my patience.
And, having the kids try to control things - drives me crazy. Youngest step-daughter wanted to go "line up" at the gate. Well, for one, there was no line. And I didn't want to go over there, for well-thought-out reasons, and I didn't want to have to go line up just because she (a child) decided we should. I'm not interested in being led around by the nose by the kids.
Nor to have to explain to them every interchange I have with their father, my fiance. Nor to have oldest step-daughter telling us what to do when, after four hours on the first leg of the flight, I finally agreed to hold Fiance's hand across the aisle because we were in the descent and nobody, even flight attendants, was going to be walking in the aisles (he wanted to hold my hand across the aisle most of the flight and I kept declining because then we'd be blocking the aisle, not to mention how ridiculous it would have looked - and been!).
At some point I got tired of being controlled, pushed, and pulled (both literally as well as physically and psychologically) every which way. I try hard not to get wound tight, but holy crap this is all asking a lot of me!
Oh, and in the McDonalds incident, I had ordered 6 nuggets and a small Coke. As we walked away, after wrangling with the guy over the waters for the kids, I realized I hadn't been given the Coke. So I sent Fiance and the girls on to the gate and went back to the counter. The guy started telling me he gave us waters instead, how there is no meal with 6 nuggets and a Coke, blah blah blah. I tried to explain that I didn't order a "meal," just asked for a small drink. The manager or someone just had him give it to me finally, but th ekid gave me a nasty look as I walked away. It was the second time today that I'd looked like a jerk even though I wasn't one - repercussions of being part of "we" with Fiance and the girls, rather than just "me" who usually handles things with more tact and aplomb. The kids' changes in orders, Fiance's frustration - I was guilty by association with all of it, so couldn't just create my own interaction.
The other time I was guilty by association was on the plane from Seattle while we were waiting to take off. The two seats next to me were empty, so we'd told youngest step-daughter that she could move over to join me after we took off. I thought for a moment that we should just have her move right away so no one else could try to claim the seats, but I didn't want her wriggling or poking me any sooner than necessary. Well, sure enough, suddenly there was a man standing in front of me, asking, "Can I sit there?" I responded that actually, "one of our children will be moving over here after we take off." He pointed at the window seat and said, "Can I sit there?" "Well, that's where she's going to sit after we take off," I replied. He got mad and commented to people around us that we wouldn't let him have the seat. I tried to explain to him that it was the same situation as he was in, three of them in the row together and one wanted to move, same as him. He mumbled to the flight attendant that "these people are taking" those two rows all for themselves, or some such thing. Would he have reacted differently if I hadn't said "our children," establishing us as a family? If he'd thought we were all strangers in the same boat with him? I think so. The two men in the seats in front of me (who only moments before had seemed to be mildly flirting with me) started commenting that children only pass out anyway, they shouldn't get the priority for seats. They said they wished they could sedate children on flights, that they wished they could have blow darts in order to do so. Meanwhile, Sarcastic-Complaining Man was containing his negative sarcasm. I hastily pulled out my earplugs and shoved them in my ears to try to mute all the hateful people, or else I was going to tell them all, especially Sarcastic Man, to Shut the Hell Up! I tried to read after that but ended up needing to put my head down for a few minutes and take some deep breaths.
I miss traveling in solitude and now realize just how much I always really surrounded myself in anonymity and solitude when I traveled. I'm not sure of I did it to avoid the over-stimulation that comes with travel and all the people, or if I just really enjoyed and relished it, or what.
It's also really hard having to large (physically and in terms of needs) people in the middle of your relationship Everything is catered around them, dictated by them. It's especially hard when I can't have much of a "voice" in the middle of things, and when I'm always perpetually the "outsider." It's very very disempowering, which is very tough. Father, please teach me what I'm supposed to learn!
Welcome to my (former) life and experience as a childless stepmother.
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